Friday, May 18, 2012

Tip #8: Avoid Fifty Shades of Anything

I'll keep this relatively brief. There's a book by E L James called 50 Shades of Grey about a virgin who becomes sexually involved with an older billionaire with a bdsm fetish. If you're interested in the book and haven't read it, stop now. If you don't care or need to satisfy your curiosity, read on.

I have to gripe about a few things in this book that trouble me about the main character:
1) She enters a friends-with-benefits situation with the intention to change the male character's 'commitment issues' and physical boundaries.
2) They engage in bdsm without her being properly prepped on safety procedures or being fully aware of what she will experience. Believe it or not, the bdsm community DOES have standards and safety procedures...
3) She accepts that her 'white knight's' controlling/demanding/stalker ways as part of bdsm, as well as their relationship. Its so pervasive, and she never questions the abnormality or frightening behavior on his part.

To drive my point home, there was a recent case (coincidence?) non-affectionately dubbed the “Philadelphia Incident”, where a young inexperienced woman got involved with an older man into bdsm who, without prepping her bound/restrained her then orally raped her. For more on this, please check out this link:

I feel concerned for her target audience TWILIHT FANS (this book was originally a twilight fanfiction) which are mostly young virginal impressionable women smitten with the idea of being shown what love is like, except this book is more like a MISguide to getting into an abusive controlling relationship. The likelyhood that a girl will apply this book's assumed rules to real life and end up in a kinky/happy relationship is slim/unlikely ..

With that said, here's Tip #8: Do your research on what you read before experimenting.

'Try it before you buy it' comes to mind.

With the exception of a massive amount of grammatical errors, superfluous details, and British lingo (there should be none; the story takes place in Seattle), this book is a nice easy read, for those who love smutty romantic novels. As a not-so-young-and-impressionable-woman, I rather enjoyed it. Id suggest borrowing it if you can, since an advanced reader or someone with more experience in relationships is likely to experience buyer's remorse.

Until next time..

Peace, blessedness, and light.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Tip #7: Insecurity, A Man's (Silent) Burden - Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say

Before I begin my mini-rant, I'd like for you to read this article and try and see how feminism has ruined man's opportunity to  express real insecutrities:

I have a problem with this article..
I'm reading 'Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say' by Warren Farrell. It's about how men have it as bad as women do, and men have the same problems women do (except for obvious physiological responsibilities).

In fact, men have "second shift" lives too by majority being required do house rapairs,remodeling, lawn work (etc, and without credit !), recieve criticism from their supervisors (and never complain about it), and then come home to a woman who expects him to keep his job at all costs (or she will divorce him, take the kids, and compalain about not enough child support) as she yells at him for not doing any chores.

He feels all the pressures of the world burdened by the silence enforced by "real men don't cry" and "real men look weak if they complain". There's a reason men turn to their tvs, beer, sports, and other men who turn to the same things: because accessing feelings is forbidden by society (women love strong silent men with jobs...not crybabies).

No actual insecurity or tip for open communication was mentioned in this cosmo joke.
Half of the quotes are women confidence boosters, not actual insight into the man's mind.

We women are outspoken about everything, even about how "men can't communicate", but men bear the burder of silence.

Yahoo would do a great service to women by writing a story about the man struggle in life, and not just dating tips for women using men for quotes.

Just a light disclaimer: I am not putting women's accomplishments, "second shifts", or struggles down. What I'm saing is everyone knows about women's struggles, but very few could even begin to explain Man's, because men's coping mechanism are so well disguised, they are labled "lazy" "insensitive" "addiction", or just plain "clueless".

If you are a woman, and find yourself itching to "defend", perhaps explore those feelings. What is so threatening about men being able to express themselves as openly as women do? What is wrong with acknowledging how much men work and suffer for it?

Tip #7: Take a moment and imagine how men feel next time you jump to criticize something about them. The level of empathy women have for eachother should be both an example and opportunity to have empathy for the male-struggle. 

Until next time,

Peace, blessedness, and light. 

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Tip #6- Cold Shoulders Seem to Wake Galoots From Their Slumber.

I can't apologize enough for not keeping up with this blog. To those who continued to follow me despite lack of contact: Thank you.
Alright, let's get started!!!

This is a simple tip, and you are welcome to take it into consideration OR ignore it:
Tip #6: If you HAVE to use the cold-shoulder trick, the person you want isn't worth your time.

Continue reading if you plan on trying this out and not taking heed to my advice:

You all know what the cold shoulder is, but have you seen it used in potential relationships?
I have seen it and used it. Some people say they got the love of their life by ignoring and pretending not to be interested. The times I used it, I knew something had to be wrong. How is pretending not to be interested showing who I really am?

Here is the main situation where one would think the cold shoulder is necessary:
Person A appears interested in Person B
Person B reciprocates feelings
Person A shies away/begins avoiding Person B
Person B feels vulnerable

Now, at this point a lot of Person B chase after their pursuer hopelessly infatuated under their charming "I can be nice when I want" spell not knowing this may of been Person A's intention in the first place.
Some people like to get their hooks into you just to stroke their ego and prove to themselves they can.

Here is a personal example of how this situation played out, and how I used the cold shoulder:
After turning down guys for my first 3-quarters of freshman year, Prince Charming lays the magic charm on me simply because he was told I would refuse him. I fell for his charisma, wit, wolverine features and pretty hair. /  I didn't see I was a goal, and since I had delt with exs who were more upfront and honest about why they perused me, I expected him to be; that was not the case. Once I caught on, it was a eros-war that ended in under 2 months. /  The following year as I used the cold shoulder he came calling once predictable! Don't worry, reader, I don't fall for the same trick twice. I was able to politely tell him to fu-- off and find a gullible girl to try that game on.
Revenge doesn't come from a warm fuzzy place, and I wasn't happy once I got it.

So believe me, this tip isn't coming from nowhere.
The truth is, for many people the rule is: The worse you treat someone, the more they want you.

THAT is what the cold-shoulder comes down to.

If you feel like you need to use this on someone who once seemed interested, but now pretends you don't exist it's probably best to leave it alone. BUT, before I learned that I had to try it out first so if you are in that experimental phase by all means, charge ahead blindly!!!

Until next time,

Peace, blessedness, and light.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tip #5 - DON'T Test Your Partner

Real excerpt from cyber chat:
hrd21- ok.....slow down.....are you moaning?
S_2001- yes and I have to be careful not to be too loud oh wow
(minutes later)
hrd21- cyber is not really sex...u did it to urselfS_2001-yeah...ok don't spoil it huh??
hrd21- if he loves u..and u love him...he will has he been with me so far...intereted?
not spoilig it...setting u up for round2...which is ALWAYS better than round1
S_2001- y hed is spining tell me more...
hrd21-  go home.....give him a kiss that tells him what is on ur mins..put ir p**** finfers in his mouth...then tonite do him like we just did....

March 10
S_2001- I was in the shower this AM thinking about you...which of course turned me I went upstairs stroked B's body to wake him then climbed on top...
(later that day)
S_2001- u get off on the idea of bringing me and hubby together don't you??
hrd21- you seem to not want me to talk about I won't
(even later that day)
S_2001- I do love my husband...but I'm on this journey trying to figure out if I'm still "in love with him" and this has been a reat way to BEGIN to figure that out...

So that reads like either the movie True Lies or some comedy like the movie Dave, right ?

What if I told you that the man she was writing is her husband?

So it's like this:

 But with the same man:

...(if you know the show, you'll understand why I chose that picture)

 He's actually testing his wife as an alias cyber-freaky man, which leads to tip #5:

NEVER test your partner (they might disappoint). 

I feel sorry for the both of them, because in trying to cure his insecurity he took on a deceptive role (betraying his wife's trust), while finding out she's not only a cheater, but lacks guilt or concern for him. It's perfect for a script, but I would never advise this for couples who want to be seriously committed in their relationship.

My only advice to a person who doesn't trust who they are with is to ask themselves this:
If you have to measure the person's feelings for you, or test their loyalty then why are you with them?

This is my recipe for a confident and committed romance:
Real Monogamy  = Friendship + Communication + Trust + Affection + Mental and Physical Connection

Only then can you truly trust your partner, and yourself.
If you work on these aspects/factors, hopefully you can find out if the person you are with truly cares about your or not, and strengthen your relationship with them. 'Soul Mate' and 'True Love'  doesn't fall into the palm of your hand, and you don't get what you want without working for it. A good relationship is constant progress.

Loyalty would be the result of all of that, and rest assured a partner with all of those factors won't be wanting to leave your side.

Trust should be earned as much as it is gained.

Until next time,

Peace, blessedness, and light.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tip #3 - 'You Can't Even Remember What I'm Trying To Forget'

What do you do when you've been hurt, and the person that hurt you is going to bed happy.

What do you do when you remember all of those important dates, times, and experiences, but the person that hurt you is having new dates, times and experiences with someone new?

Time # 3 comes from me, not Vatsayayana , Deepak or even Jesus:
When someone hurts you and doesn't care, you can focus on how happy they are OR you can focus on how happy you want to be again.

I'll use my most painful experience to expand on this tip:
When my pride was stomped on by my first (we dated openly and he didn't want to commit) and I ended it with him, he didn't even flinch.
I decided to make him feel bad by being with someone else, but I didn't like that perosn, so it only hurt more. Then he met someone. After 2 dates they were exclusive. I was infuriated. I became obsessed. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. I wanted him to hurt as much as I had. I started stalking him on facebook to read the lovey dovey comments between he and his new girlfriend. Whenever he would write me, I would talk to him like it was ok, then write a really long letter saying 'it's not ok'. Eventually I wrote one saying I can't ever talk to him again. That letter helped me see I spent almost a year focusing on how much he moved on, and didn't give myself the chance to.

My boyfriend who I've known for a year (as of yesterday. Yey us!) can tell you the pain I went through as he stood by my side and comforted me was excruciating.

Over time I learned to re-work my thinking. He helped by giving me advice to stay in the moment (which means instead of focusing on the past or future, work on the present).
After all of the anger and frustration I decided to try using my ex as a teacher for future experiences. Whenever I would begin to feel angry and bitter, I'd tell myself 'but look and where you are now, and how much you've grown'. Whenever I'd sink into that deep mood I put myself in, I would do something that makes me smile and laugh. Eventually the dark mood faded, and I began to acknowledge what happened happened and accept it for what it was.

I even asked for support from my friends and family, and especially my boyfriend. The more people you have in your life helping you through this phase, the easier it is to go through it.

It was almost 3 years ago, yet took 2 1/2 years for me to go through the grieving process.

You can choose  focus on what is going in in their lives if you want, but the truth is, they aren't even thinking about you anymore. And that's ok.

It's ok that they have moved on, and one day you will too.
When it's all over and you're a better person for it you will look back on what happened thankful you experienced what you did and at least learned pain so that you could appreciate the joy of happiness.

Grief seems to come from what you can't change, and when you begin to acknowledge the things you can't 'fix' or 'change', the pain begins to fade, and you begin to heal.

No matter how hard it gets remember your peace of mind is what comes first. If it isn't, you shouldn't be with that person in the first place.

What's it been like for you? Are you in a relationship right now? Are you having problems getting over your ex? How has the grieving process been for you?

Till' next time :)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Tip #2 - Mallanāga Vātsyāyana, Deepak Chopra, and the Kamasutra

I won't go into detail, but I admire Vatsyayana very much. He may not of been the first, but he is the author and guru of the Kamasutra.

Kama = Sensual or Sexual Pleasure
Sutra = Thread

His teachings ranged from courting rules, to rules of marriage and finally (what the book is mostly known for) tantric sex positions.

Now, I don't agree with ALL of Vatsyayana's teachings. For example, one of his rules is that if a woman is too pale or too dark, she is not good enough for the man. He also respects the practices of courteseans and said they knew more about the power of lovemaking than many others. I disagree. I believe anyone can be a master at lovemaking IF they practice it wisely.

I believe the best way to do that is to realize that every time you practice an act of sex (even foreplay), is to acknowledge it is a sacred act.

The disagreements I have with Vatsyayana's laws are why I mentioned Deepak Chopra in my title. He is a modern age Vatsyayna, and though he acknowledges the old rules of Kamasutra, advises the modern world to remain progressive.
"Lovemaking is akin to spiritual achievement" - Deepak Chopra

The more you tie spirituality into sex, the more sex means to you and he more special it is. It will no longer be a commodity but a higher form of expression and love, which I believe could be humanity's greatest achievement (love, not in relation to lovemaking itself haha).

So here is where my tip #2 comes in:
If you practice Kamasutra, try to learn as much about it as possible. A good place to start is with Deepak's version of the Kama Sutra. ( Book Cover ) It's simplified, involves the 7 Laws, and sex positions in the form of stories along with amazing art work.

I liked it so much, I have an art piece dedicated to this book as well:
Coming Of Age

Finally, I'd also suggest checking out some of the links around my page. Some have proven to be helpful.

Let me know if you like this tip or not, and I'm always thankful for suggestions on future posts!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Tip #1 - 'The Compatibility Chart Got It Wrong...Again!!'

If you are frustrated with generic predictable compatibility charts that always get it wrong, this tip is for you.

The truth is, we are not one sign. We are 3.
I know what you are thinking: 'It's like those credit score commercials'.
No, it's not. It's better!

What you need to figure out your 'trinity' is a Birth Chart. Here's one:
Though some of the suggested sites on my page are just as helpful like

So, he isn't just a smoldering Scorpio or mysterious Pisces. She isn't just a catty Aries or sensitive Cancer.

When you want to find out more about compatibility, seek information from all 3 signs:
Sun - Character
Moon - True Emotion, or in psychological terms: Shadow
Rising / Ascendant- Location of sun at your birth, PERSONALITY

For example, I'm Gemini (sun), Cancer (moon), Virgo (rising) which means I'm an outgoing yet sensitive obsessive compulsive organizer.

I suggest finding out your 'Trinity' as well. The more you know about yourself, and you're potential mate/partner, the easier it is to figure out how compatible you TRULY are.

Let me know if this helps ? Thank you :)