Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tip #3 - 'You Can't Even Remember What I'm Trying To Forget'

What do you do when you've been hurt, and the person that hurt you is going to bed happy.

What do you do when you remember all of those important dates, times, and experiences, but the person that hurt you is having new dates, times and experiences with someone new?

Time # 3 comes from me, not Vatsayayana , Deepak or even Jesus:
When someone hurts you and doesn't care, you can focus on how happy they are OR you can focus on how happy you want to be again.


I'll use my most painful experience to expand on this tip:
When my pride was stomped on by my first (we dated openly and he didn't want to commit) and I ended it with him, he didn't even flinch.
I decided to make him feel bad by being with someone else, but I didn't like that perosn, so it only hurt more. Then he met someone. After 2 dates they were exclusive. I was infuriated. I became obsessed. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. I wanted him to hurt as much as I had. I started stalking him on facebook to read the lovey dovey comments between he and his new girlfriend. Whenever he would write me, I would talk to him like it was ok, then write a really long letter saying 'it's not ok'. Eventually I wrote one saying I can't ever talk to him again. That letter helped me see I spent almost a year focusing on how much he moved on, and didn't give myself the chance to.

My boyfriend who I've known for a year (as of yesterday. Yey us!) can tell you the pain I went through as he stood by my side and comforted me was excruciating.

Over time I learned to re-work my thinking. He helped by giving me advice to stay in the moment (which means instead of focusing on the past or future, work on the present).
After all of the anger and frustration I decided to try using my ex as a teacher for future experiences. Whenever I would begin to feel angry and bitter, I'd tell myself 'but look and where you are now, and how much you've grown'. Whenever I'd sink into that deep mood I put myself in, I would do something that makes me smile and laugh. Eventually the dark mood faded, and I began to acknowledge what happened happened and accept it for what it was.

I even asked for support from my friends and family, and especially my boyfriend. The more people you have in your life helping you through this phase, the easier it is to go through it.

It was almost 3 years ago, yet took 2 1/2 years for me to go through the grieving process.


You can choose  focus on what is going in in their lives if you want, but the truth is, they aren't even thinking about you anymore. And that's ok.

It's ok that they have moved on, and one day you will too.
When it's all over and you're a better person for it you will look back on what happened thankful you experienced what you did and at least learned pain so that you could appreciate the joy of happiness.

Grief seems to come from what you can't change, and when you begin to acknowledge the things you can't 'fix' or 'change', the pain begins to fade, and you begin to heal.

No matter how hard it gets remember your peace of mind is what comes first. If it isn't, you shouldn't be with that person in the first place.

What's it been like for you? Are you in a relationship right now? Are you having problems getting over your ex? How has the grieving process been for you?

Till' next time :)

2 comments:

  1. This is such a great post!! We as women do this to ourselves SOO OFTEN!! We let them string us along or sometimes just string ourselves along (booo).. I'm happy to hear that you are figuring out how to move on and let go. I'm def. adding your blog to my follow list! :-)

    *Miss Pisces*
    miss-pisces.blogspot.com

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  2. Thanks so much, Miss Pisces.
    I'm looking out for all the broken hearts out there :)

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